smiles

Tonight, i see smiles all around.

But the most gracious and contended smile, is yours.

I'm so glad to be with you, to stand for you, and to love you -- even if you don't realize it...

It was never for the money, no, not once.

Neither was it for fame.

It has always been -- and will always be -- about making you smile.

Smiles for a night

Memories for a lifetime

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my bao bei

Gary Cao - You are my baby

[source]
我一直在寻找
I have always seeked
可爱的微笑
The cutest smile
今天终于让我找到
Today, you've let me finally found it
我希望你知道
I hope that you know
我不是开玩笑
That I'm not joking
今天才发现了你的好
I just discovered your goodness today
你有特别的味道
You have a special flavour
让我神魂颠倒
Which electrifiess my soul
我想我一定是中了招
I think I must have been attacked by a spell
呜美丽在燃烧
My tears (for your beauty) are falling uncontrollably
我快控制不了
I can�t control myself
wu..........
其实我不错
I�m actually a good person
可以考虑我
You can test me
什么都可以
However you want
just don't say no
我们手牵手
We hold hands
沙滩走一走
Strolling along the sea shore
只要跟你在一起就足够
It�s enough if you're with me
希望你能当我宝贝
I want you to be my baby
你一定不会后悔
You will not regret it
我只有一个要求
I just have one request
就是要对你好
To be good to you
永远不让你流泪
Forever, I won�t let you shed tears
永远都不让你心碎
I won�t let your heart break
希望你相信我
I hope you can believe me
我们在一起好吗
Can we be together?
只要你相信我
Only if you believe me

Such meaningful words which touches the heart. I almost teared when i heard it tonight.. raining and cold sumore = emo. SIGH. I have hope and wish they will be true for us again.

You are my bao bei.

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on my mind

I miss you, i really really do.

You're always on my mind from the moment i wake, till i close my eyes to sleep. I cannot admit this more honestly.

I see you everywhere, i think of you every time; but then there is a constant struggle within me, should i want to make contact with you.

I'd often think how you would feel, having to balance matters of two hearts, as well as all your current work that keeps you occupied. You'd probably already have too much to be concerned with anyway. I long to be your aid in times of need, or simply just in times of utter busyness.

I could not bear to make you any more irritated and confused than you should be... I gather strength to hold back and give you space; i'd admire you from a far, if that's what it takes right now...

Though in my heart, i'd wish you would think of me from time to time. Just knowing will give me peace, and some measure of hope.

And that would have made all the difference.

Thinking of you. Always.

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dream

I stayed up late last night. Again.

Yet this morning, i was rudely awoken at 9am. Just a shudder and a blink, i was wide awake. I was really really heart sick; tears were flowing down my cheeks when i opened my eyes.

I felt emo.

I dreamt of you and him. It was somewhere on a rooftop. You guys had dinner and all nice things during the sunset. As the evening progressed, you two got intimate -- and i woke up.

My heart was so hallowed that i curled up under my comforter and hugged my pillow so tightly -- hoping to fill the void.

I'm afraid i can't find the strength i need. I'm so exhausted. I really love you and miss you so much...

I hope you can sense it.

Please forgive me for my actions. I yearned so much for your attention and affection, but i'm struggling not to ask for too much right now; i'm afraid you'd be upset with me. Just wanted you to know that.

Wished it never happened.

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perseverance

Another day without any contact with you is becoming harder to bear. Because i love you too much to hurt you, i must persevere.

As much as i wanted to know about your day, what you're doing, where you're at, I just didn't have to courage to contact you for fear that it may make you luen and become more fed-up of me. I just feel jealous sometimes and i don't know how to deal with it. I'm always afraid i cannot compare to him. How both of you have more things in common; his thoughtfulness; he even fits like a glove with cc and sf. I'm sorry, but i never wanted things to get so complicated.

I suffer in silence. Laying in bed, staring aimlessly to the ceiling -- thinking of us. Curled up in bed, squeezing my pillow so tightly while letting out heavy sighs. Late nights reading your blogs to tire myself so i can just fall asleep. Constantly refreshing the browser to see an update. Everyone must think i'm am idiot. But no one knows.

Yet I can't stand to see you so sad between two people. I know you feel awful about what's going on now, but i wanna assure you that i want to be here for you. I can feel that your heart still feels for me.

Dear, i don't know if you're reading this, but i do hope you'd get to read my heart's feeling.

i will be waiting for you.

always.

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it can't be true

Lately i've been thinking...

How you have been so charming and gracious to me.

How you always think of my feelings - you carefully made sure the couple photo of you and him wasn't posted on e's blog.

How you care and worry for me when i am emo.

I find it hard to believe that such many years of being together, of sharing our equal amounts of ups and downs, your love for me would have just diminished within weeks... it cannot be true.

I know i have wronged you in the past, but what matters most is that i am fixing it for the tomorrows to come.

I really miss you with each passing moment; i want us back.

Please have a heart for the heart which was once with yours...

pleading to find a place in your heart again.

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intertwined

Every night before i sleep, i stare into the ceiling and think of you.

Every morning when i wake, my heart feels really empty because it misses you.

Today, getting to meet you and spend sometime with you eased my heart's burdens. It felt so calm and relaxing. I wished our situation now never existed. It's like i've known you all my life, and there's just so much between us that can't be forgotten.

People reading this may not understand what it feels like to love beyond one's self, to give another person their all. I don't blame them, because we are unique. Each would have their own thoughts. But i wish you'd consider what we had going for us.

I would go to the ends of the world for you, i would. You know that. I have done it before, and i will always do it again for you.

I am terribly saddened that our dire situation was due to many small things that transpired to a big problem. I am humbled by the patience you have for me, and for us; though i wished you'd waited alil longer. We could have talked -- i would live by ways which suit you, as you have too, with mine. A relationship is made up of giving and taking. And I would gladly give more to you than i will ever want to take back.

Oh how i miss having you by my side, laughing or even quarrelling -- you mean so much to me. When i drove home, i just couldn't take it. The sadness inside is so great, i'm dazed and i don't know what to do next. One part of me urges me to be with you as often as i can, to show change; yet i love you so much to see you hurt between two people -- him and me. I couldn't bear the thought of you consoling one and reassuring the other, all at the expense of your emotional well being. But it pains me because i cannot get close to you and share my feelings.

I need you in my life; i will want to do my best to change your mind about me.

I was never angry with you; i mean, how could i? You're such an amazing person in my life. When we first met, you saved me from my old ways -- you were my inspiration. Then you became my strength, supported me in my work and life. You always pushed me to be better with goals and ideals. You gave my life new direction.

You were patient with me throughout; you cared so much about me and my family. You tolerated my tantrums and my busy schedule. And my sluggishness in getting a new car. Yet you always, always had something nice to say to me. You are irreplaceable.

You have been there and done so much for me. Likewise, i adore you to bits and would stop at nothing to make you happier, now more than ever. People change; i want to change for the better.

Again, I was never angry at you. Just saddened there is another. I wished it wasn't so. I believe there is still something worth saving in us.

Intertwined.

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heartache

I can't even begin to recollect how hard i cried in the car with you. It was akin to those wailing and weeping one would belt out at the loss of loved ones. I meant every word; I am truly broken.

I never meant to treat you like i did. I knew my shortcomings and how greatly it affected us both. I changed since then. I really did change. But sadly, it was not quick enough to catch your already depleting attention for me. Though it may seem rough, i never once blamed you or him -- It's all on me. Neither do i take offense in what you've done; there's room in my heart to accommodate you, always. I just wanted a second chance to make things right. I felt robbed of that chance.

Yet seeing you for the first time since the news was a huge relieve. My heart felt a sudden relieve, filled with hopes of reconciliation. But it was like being in the same room -- only separated by unbreakable glass, you and me. You were so near, yet to be able to hold you seems so out of reach.

Crushed as i was at that time, i never wanted to let you go. I just couldn't. Not after what we've been through -- and not being able to make it up to you. I keep pleading that you'll consider me again.

I can't sleep. You're always on my mind. And when my mind wanders, it's flooded with thoughts unnecessary. It's been days that i cry myself to sleep -- not without difficulty, for sure.

Sometimes i question why all this. Of the many possible answers, i know it is never "it was meant to be".

Sorry.

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reconciliation

It's not auspicious to begin on a negative note, they say. But it seems like a bad habit to me. This is my second attempt to begin blogging after a long while -- in the midst of a series of unfortunate events.

The weeks of past has been by far, the most challenging weeks for me. Never have i felt so tried and tested in my life. It takes so much to kill a person physically; yet so little to inflict a wound so deep inwardly.

I cannot complain much of the circumstances which now surround me -- it was mainly of my own doing in the past. Neither do i take pride in defending my faults which have left scars along the way. Yet i humbly admit my mistakes and i can only strive to show that I have turned over a new leaf.

Nevertheless, i cant help but feel a sense of being "short-changed" in the midst of all the emotional tribulation. I too, like him, spent hours on end, searching through the past, looking for clues, trying to salvage what was worth the wild.

I never got the chance to state my case for hearing, and was dismissed without trial. Like the "sampan & boat" story, when i turned around, i was already alone on the sampan. By the time i caught up, he had already found you. I felt at my deepest deep in my lowest low. When i got news of it, I had no purpose or desire for anything - food, the company of others - nothing. A sorrow filled my heart that brought me straight to the ground.

i wanted to cry it out, but i couldn't. Alas, what a sorrowful burden indeed to be eaten up from the inside!

When i discovered who he was, i constantly struggled to keep my distance; fearing that my rash actions may hurt you. Yet I wanted to know so badly, how he could have made all the difference, in such a brief moment. I read his blog; i understood his thoughts, yet i plead with you for a moment -- to consider which was once dear to you.

I am alone in this -- no one hears my pleas, but you.

All i wish for, if its not too much of a request, is a humble reconciliation.



Heavy hearted.
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