Knowing that you are going through tough times with work and matters of the heart lately, i just wanted to be there for you. I wanted you to know that no matter what happens, there will always be someone waiting to catch you when you fall, and bring you back onto your feet -- me.
I will not tire and i will not falter, until you know that my feelings for you are genuine and true.
It's so unfortunate that some unforeseen circumstances came between us when i wanted to make things right. It seemed almost impossible to ignore the fact the he is the one that made all the difference. I wish that i was quicker or that there wasn't he.
I really don't feel good. It's impossible to get over you -- you are everywhere in my life. They say "You only appreciate things when they are gone." I regret reading that quote, because it is so true. But they also said, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." This i believe in now more than ever.
I have lost my appetite when you refused me. I really can't seem to eat even if i force myself. They say heartbreak is much more than just a broken heart. I was shattered inside, nobody knows. I felt like my world became black and nothing else mattered anymore. The pain was too much to bear. Yet, i have suffered in silence, which made it so much more painful. I only wished you knew what i went through -- not to feel bad, but to know my love for you is real -- and all i wanted to know in return was that you cared...
"I want to be selfish. I want you to let go of him, and we be together again." I really wish i could say those words out loud, selfishly. So many times we met, so many opportunities i had, but no matter how hard i bring myself to say it, i can't. I'm afraid that it will only push you further away. And that i may lose you forever.
I know i cannot be selfish. I have never been selfish with you around. You know.
You always tell me to not think about it anymore, don't think about us anymore. You say it as if it was so simple. You are not the one who is left alone, no, you have found him to fill the void. Sometimes when you say it, i feel so down -- as if you really didn't want me in the first place. I can't help but think you just say that to make me get over you. I don't know how else to say this, but i don't believe that all we have shared together, doesn't mean anything to you at all. I believe it does. I KNOW it does. because i have been feeling the same ever since i made a decision that you are my one and only.
I'm sorry for what i've done in the past that hurt you. I have no excuses to hide from my actions. It was wrong and i will regret it all my life. Yet i have experience such a tremendous change from recent bitter experiences. I have lost all desire for lust, even to lay eyes on someone else, i quickly turn away. This is all i can say -- i wished there was a better way for you to know about it. Everyone deserves a second chance.
I really changed. I am capable of change 180', and that is what i have done. I am never the same person you once knew; i'm better now. i promise. I cannot even stress how real of a promise i've just made to you. i just need you to believe me -- a second chance at loving you with all my heart.
You mentioned about responsibilities in my life which you can't tolerate anymore. I have changed. She is no longer in school now and is more independent, i have made decisions as how to practice my faith from now on, and you are now my number one in everything; my work takes second place. you will be in my life, all of it. it won't be the same like before, i promise. You've seen me change these past weeks, you know i can improve for you.
In all honesty, i confess: i have never changed for anyone so much in my life -- but i know it is good. like when you met me years ago, you saved me from that kind of life, and i changed. i have. i'm so sorry i let myself go when you were out of the country -- it is the only thing i regret everyday. all those unfortunate mistakes only made me realize how important you are in my life, and how bad i had screwed up. they were not even worth it. never.
I long to be with you because you complete me and give me purpose in life. You were always there to push me to be better, you have had tremendous patience to put up with my childish antics, and you have loved me unconditionally. There is nothing about you that i dislike -- any flaws you may have, is all part of life that brings meaning to a relationship.. how we learn to adapt and accept, give and take, be compassionate and understanding towards each other... i adore you to bits, every part of it... especially now. Right now.
Never was i angry with you -- i will never be; i love you too much. I only tried to irritate you because i wanted you to care for me. I never meant to make you angry. Surprising as it may sound, i need you in my life so bad, all the hurt is gone when we are together... I am capable of that. Trust me, dear, i need you. I really do.
I know it's ungentlemanly to accuse him of anything, but i am really feeling sad about it. I really hope you'd understand, that i am willing to give you more than anything for no reason at all. i wish i could be more open about you and him, but it really hurts inside. I want the hurt to stop.
I wish for that day that we are together again. I will not give up. I will not let in without a fight. You have been my all, and i want to reaffirm the fact that you are.
Everyday i think about you. The moment i wake, i imagined what you are doing, and i wonder, if you even thought of me at all. The moment i sleep, i send you messages and hope that you'll think of me too... I really love you. Only you can make or break me in a split second.
Like tonight, you broke me. I was around your area, hoping to catch a glimpse of you -- it was nice of you to talk with me. I always adore you when ever we get to spend some time together, even for a while. My heart is comforted to know that you still care. I don't believe you are so cruel, not to me, at least. Because you are not a cruel person. You have a heart.
But tonight, when all i wanted was to be there for you after what you've gone through today, i never expected me to be in the hot seat. I'm so sorry my emotions got in the way. I never expected to express myself that way and your reaction caught me off guard. I never saw it coming. I never wanted it to end that way. I missed you so much that i couldn't control myself when it happened. You broke me in a split second. yet i am never angry at you..
Are you doing this on purpose to crush me so i lose hope? I believe you asked me something like this awhile earlier too. Now i asked you. I guess that i now i truly understand what you have gone through, and i am truly sorry to have to put you through it. But if you think by making me angry or hate you is the solution, it will never happen -- because i can never hate you. Ever.
It is like our roles have changed now, It's like when you were angry last time, all you needed me to do is manja and "tham" you and you'd feel better again -- just dun diam-diam. Now, it is my turn, i just wished that it could be the same, when you would just tham me and manja abit with me, and i'll be alright again. ANY hurt in my heart can be mended by you this way. Really, i will be okay and i have changed and things will be better between us than we ever knew.. You will not regret it.
Nevertheless, things are different now because he is in the picture. And that has made all the difference.
I really envy you two being together so quickly. When we were together, i wanted to take you out late night too, but it was inconvenient for you, so i understood. But now it seems like you have no inconvenience at all... I don't know if it's because he is new and exciting, but i can be "new" like him too.. and i want to. i've had so many things in mind for us and now with a changed character, i want to share them with you...
Yet, who am i in all this? Everyone is now connected and soon it could be like we never knew each other.This is my greatest fear. Please understand how much you mean to me and i intend to impress you so that we can be together again before all is lost...
I'd just like to know, what made your heart change? What's about a person like me that you can't tolerate? I have nothing but a changed heart for you now, and a changed heart is better than no heart at all.. You are, undeniably, the best person in my life -- i just forgotten about it. And now i shall never forget it... I hope you believe me when i say i want to be with you forever... it may not sound as real to you reading this now, but i truly meant every word.
My heart is so heavy now, i can hardly breathe. I don't know how else to cope with what just happened, so i am writing what i feel here. I hope you read this and you know that i never wanted any of this to happen, esp what took place in the car. I will back up for now, but you know...
I can never lose you in my life. You're irreplaceable.
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