hurting inside

I thought i could handle it...

I thought i could control my emotions...

I thought i could keep myself from missing you...



I thought i was stronger...





My thoughts were wrong.
I am obviously weak.


I can't do it.


I wished you were here. Right now.

I wish you would hug me and i can hear you say it's gonna be alright.
My heart is so empty without you...

I want the dream i had to come true. I only wished it would. So badly.

I'm afraid i may not have the strength to wait any longer...
I'm afraid i may do something out of the ordinary...

Being apart from you and knowing you're with someone else is really...



hurting inside.
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not moving

After dreaming of you so real, i missed you even more than words can say. Indeed today, you were on my mind again. In fact, i think you're always on my mind.

Somehow you'd find a way to appear -- some may think its scary, but i think its lovely. I guess it shows just how much i miss you...

But i have never fought -- so hard in my life -- against myself. I want to express my heart's feelings to you. I want you to know how loved you are. I wish i could do all that, and more.

Yesterday a friend told me about this song by The Script: The Man Who Can't be Moved. The title sounded so familiar at first. Then i realized, its the same video that was posted on his blog.

I would never have noticed it's meaningful lyrics if not for this friend who played it in his car.

And now that i have heard and read it over and over, i felt this song relates to me and what's been happening that past weeks. It almost moved me to tears (gosh..i cry quite easily these days.. hmm) because it sings exactly what i am going through and what i want to do.

I understand things are a mess right now. Even more in your heart. I pray each night, for you to have a clear conscience and an untroubled heart, and that things will work itself out soon. I don't want to be the cause of your stress -- but i will always be your stress reliever.

I will never get used to not having you around, so don't think i won't wait. I will be waiting for you, as i always have.. enduring each day without you, slowly and with patience, hoping for that day i can hold you hand a mean every word i say...

...






The Man Who Can't be Moved. (source)

Going back to the corner where I first saw you
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move
Got some words on cardboard, got your picture in my hand
Saying, "If you see this girl can you tell her where I am?"

Some try to hand me money, they don't understand
I'm not broke I'm just a broken hearted man
I know it makes no sense but what else can I do
How can I move on when I'm still in love with you

'cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet
And you'll see me waiting for you on our corner of the street
So I'm not moving, I'm not moving

Policeman says, "Son you can't stay here"
I said, "There's someone I'm waiting for if it's a day, a month, a year"
Gotta stand my ground even if it rains or snows
If she changes her mind this is the first place she will go

'cause If one day you wake up and find that you're missing me
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet
And you'll see me waiting for you on our corner of the street
So I'm not moving, I'm not moving,
I'm not moving, I'm not moving

People talk about the guy that's waiting on a girl
There are no holes in his shoes but a big hole in his world

Maybe I'll get famous as the man who can't be moved
Maybe you wont mean to but you'll see me on the news
And you'll come running to the corner
'cause you'll know it's just for you
I'm the man who can't be moved

[Chorus 2x]

Going back to the corner where I first saw you
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move



not moving, for you.
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dream come true

Today i dreamt of you. Again.

It was so vividly true, it felt almost surreal. I spent some of my time to help you with a few things. I went around with you.

As we were constantly together, my feelings ran wild -- yet i remember that you told me not to think too or do too much (even in the dream T_T).

I wanted to get close to you, but i kept fighting back the urge to do something i might regret.

Opportunity presented itself umpteen times; i felt like a lion about to pounce on the deer for prey.

It was so difficult, that i even held back tears swelling in my eyes, choking on soft, soft sobs, when i heard some touching music on the radio. (this dream is abit weird)

I tried never to mention anything about love or him while we talked, and that was the hardest part. I wish you knew, but even if you didn't, it was better that i never mentioned it.

Then you got a few calls, i think. When you spoke on the phone, so happily and relax, i guessed it was him. With no where to turn, i just sat there and just took it -- everything.

One part of me says control. The other is raging inside me to know what you two are talking about. Sigh.

Then one part you were troubled. I was pleased that i could reassure you. It was about work, i think. Or something related to it. Its the simple pleasures like seeing a smile of relief on your face that keeps me going on and on for you.

I also remember that we ended up on clouds -- somehow we did. We laid side by side, my heart was raging with emotions, to say the least. Every cell in my body wanted you more than i wanted myself. Yet i held back so much; for i knew you were with him. It's not right to, anyway.

Yet the very dream of me and you laying side by side on clouds, made happy tears glisten down my cheeks -- oh what a joy it was! Just having you next to me, is more than enough to make me indescribably happy beyond words -- or even tears! i think i also cried in real life...

But alas, I woke up soon after i felt the tears and realize it was a dream...




It felt like a worth while dream. I never blamed you for anything that's going on. in fact, i have only adoration and affection for you -- if not more. i just hope you follow your heart and it will lead you... it pains me to see you torn between two thorns.





hoping for that dream to come true.


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thinking of you

You crossed my mind many times today. To many to count, let alone forget.

I still miss you very much every morning i wake. When look in my phone for your message, i hope i see one every time.

I'm really touched that you SMSed me today telling me about your day... Really a pleasant surprise to get your message. A smile was instantly craved on my face.

But i wasted no time to reply you. Still, when i did, there was so much i wanted to tell you, but i held back, for i worry that i may annoy you again -- after what you told me in the car that night.

I never want to hurt you -- at all. Esp now when you're not mine to hold and comfort. I really miss you, but i will listen to you, won't do things to annoy you anymore.

It's a challenge in my heart that only i know -- how tough it really is. To see you in front of me, and know that you are right there, but i can't get close to you, that's really difficult.

I hope the next few days won't be so hard for me... I am constantly losing my mind for you.



Indeed, i am thinking of you.

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restrained

You came by today, much to my surprise.

Though it sank in that i still owed you the wedding pics and a CD, so it all figures.

Nevertheless, it is always delight to see you, much less be with you for some time. The moments passed was so sweet and lovely, it takes away all pain.

I tried my best to behave myself when you came by. I fought off the desire to hug you, glimpse at you longer than i should, and even to touch you on your shoulder -- all this while putting up a sincere smile that showed how happy i was with you around me.

I tried to look normal -- by every definition known. I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable around me. I'd hate for you to hate me.

When you were in my room and laid on my bed; you were just there. I wished that moment lasted forever. You looked so sweet and tranquil, like always, and everything was calm and soothing. The chilly rainy weather made it all that worth while.

When we got in the car, again, the desire to get close to you came into my heart. But i knew that would complicate things further, and I could not relent into my desires. Just a small squeeze of your hand, would have been really comforting...

And when we had dinner, it was surreal. I managed to hold onto myself for that long. I surprised myself. Though my very deepest desire is to treat you how you should be treated: with love and affection, every moment we're together.

I was never easy for me -- it still isn't. but i love you too much to hurt you again. I can only do so much when i'm with you -- to control myself. It's so difficult sometimes when the feelings are so strong inside.

It's awful because I feel restrained.


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irreplaceable

I don't want to hide my feelings any more. I don't want to pretend that everything is okay. I really need you back in my life again.

Knowing that you are going through tough times with work and matters of the heart lately, i just wanted to be there for you. I wanted you to know that no matter what happens, there will always be someone waiting to catch you when you fall, and bring you back onto your feet -- me.

I will not tire and i will not falter, until you know that my feelings for you are genuine and true.

It's so unfortunate that some unforeseen circumstances came between us when i wanted to make things right. It seemed almost impossible to ignore the fact the he is the one that made all the difference. I wish that i was quicker or that there wasn't he.

I really don't feel good. It's impossible to get over you -- you are everywhere in my life. They say "You only appreciate things when they are gone." I regret reading that quote, because it is so true. But they also said, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." This i believe in now more than ever.

I have lost my appetite when you refused me. I really can't seem to eat even if i force myself. They say heartbreak is much more than just a broken heart. I was shattered inside, nobody knows. I felt like my world became black and nothing else mattered anymore. The pain was too much to bear. Yet, i have suffered in silence, which made it so much more painful. I only wished you knew what i went through -- not to feel bad, but to know my love for you is real -- and all i wanted to know in return was that you cared...

"I want to be selfish. I want you to let go of him, and we be together again." I really wish i could say those words out loud, selfishly. So many times we met, so many opportunities i had, but no matter how hard i bring myself to say it, i can't. I'm afraid that it will only push you further away. And that i may lose you forever.

I know i cannot be selfish. I have never been selfish with you around. You know.

You always tell me to not think about it anymore, don't think about us anymore. You say it as if it was so simple. You are not the one who is left alone, no, you have found him to fill the void. Sometimes when you say it, i feel so down -- as if you really didn't want me in the first place. I can't help but think you just say that to make me get over you. I don't know how else to say this, but i don't believe that all we have shared together, doesn't mean anything to you at all. I believe it does. I KNOW it does. because i have been feeling the same ever since i made a decision that you are my one and only.

I'm sorry for what i've done in the past that hurt you. I have no excuses to hide from my actions. It was wrong and i will regret it all my life. Yet i have experience such a tremendous change from recent bitter experiences. I have lost all desire for lust, even to lay eyes on someone else, i quickly turn away. This is all i can say -- i wished there was a better way for you to know about it. Everyone deserves a second chance.

I really changed. I am capable of change 180', and that is what i have done. I am never the same person you once knew; i'm better now. i promise. I cannot even stress how real of a promise i've just made to you. i just need you to believe me -- a second chance at loving you with all my heart.

You mentioned about responsibilities in my life which you can't tolerate anymore. I have changed. She is no longer in school now and is more independent, i have made decisions as how to practice my faith from now on, and you are now my number one in everything; my work takes second place. you will be in my life, all of it. it won't be the same like before, i promise. You've seen me change these past weeks, you know i can improve for you.

In all honesty, i confess: i have never changed for anyone so much in my life -- but i know it is good. like when you met me years ago, you saved me from that kind of life, and i changed. i have. i'm so sorry i let myself go when you were out of the country -- it is the only thing i regret everyday. all those unfortunate mistakes only made me realize how important you are in my life, and how bad i had screwed up. they were not even worth it. never.

I long to be with you because you complete me and give me purpose in life. You were always there to push me to be better, you have had tremendous patience to put up with my childish antics, and you have loved me unconditionally. There is nothing about you that i dislike -- any flaws you may have, is all part of life that brings meaning to a relationship.. how we learn to adapt and accept, give and take, be compassionate and understanding towards each other... i adore you to bits, every part of it... especially now. Right now.

Never was i angry with you -- i will never be; i love you too much. I only tried to irritate you because i wanted you to care for me. I never meant to make you angry. Surprising as it may sound, i need you in my life so bad, all the hurt is gone when we are together... I am capable of that. Trust me, dear, i need you. I really do.

I know it's ungentlemanly to accuse him of anything, but i am really feeling sad about it. I really hope you'd understand, that i am willing to give you more than anything for no reason at all. i wish i could be more open about you and him, but it really hurts inside. I want the hurt to stop.

I wish for that day that we are together again. I will not give up. I will not let in without a fight. You have been my all, and i want to reaffirm the fact that you are.

Everyday i think about you. The moment i wake, i imagined what you are doing, and i wonder, if you even thought of me at all. The moment i sleep, i send you messages and hope that you'll think of me too... I really love you. Only you can make or break me in a split second.

Like tonight, you broke me. I was around your area, hoping to catch a glimpse of you -- it was nice of you to talk with me. I always adore you when ever we get to spend some time together, even for a while. My heart is comforted to know that you still care. I don't believe you are so cruel, not to me, at least. Because you are not a cruel person. You have a heart.

But tonight, when all i wanted was to be there for you after what you've gone through today, i never expected me to be in the hot seat. I'm so sorry my emotions got in the way. I never expected to express myself that way and your reaction caught me off guard. I never saw it coming. I never wanted it to end that way. I missed you so much that i couldn't control myself when it happened. You broke me in a split second. yet i am never angry at you..

Are you doing this on purpose to crush me so i lose hope? I believe you asked me something like this awhile earlier too. Now i asked you. I guess that i now i truly understand what you have gone through, and i am truly sorry to have to put you through it. But if you think by making me angry or hate you is the solution, it will never happen -- because i can never hate you. Ever.

It is like our roles have changed now, It's like when you were angry last time, all you needed me to do is manja and "tham" you and you'd feel better again -- just dun diam-diam. Now, it is my turn, i just wished that it could be the same, when you would just tham me and manja abit with me, and i'll be alright again. ANY hurt in my heart can be mended by you this way. Really, i will be okay and i have changed and things will be better between us than we ever knew.. You will not regret it.

Nevertheless, things are different now because he is in the picture. And that has made all the difference.

I really envy you two being together so quickly. When we were together, i wanted to take you out late night too, but it was inconvenient for you, so i understood. But now it seems like you have no inconvenience at all... I don't know if it's because he is new and exciting, but i can be "new" like him too.. and i want to. i've had so many things in mind for us and now with a changed character, i want to share them with you...

Yet, who am i in all this? Everyone is now connected and soon it could be like we never knew each other.This is my greatest fear. Please understand how much you mean to me and i intend to impress you so that we can be together again before all is lost...

I'd just like to know, what made your heart change? What's about a person like me that you can't tolerate? I have nothing but a changed heart for you now, and a changed heart is better than no heart at all.. You are, undeniably, the best person in my life -- i just forgotten about it. And now i shall never forget it... I hope you believe me when i say i want to be with you forever... it may not sound as real to you reading this now, but i truly meant every word.

My heart is so heavy now, i can hardly breathe. I don't know how else to cope with what just happened, so i am writing what i feel here. I hope you read this and you know that i never wanted any of this to happen, esp what took place in the car. I will back up for now, but you know...

I can never lose you in my life. You're irreplaceable.

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love

today has a new look. today is a new day. today marks the beginning of a new year.

as many usher in the new rabbit year with hopes and dreams, they also leave behind not-so-sweet memories of yesteryears behind them. some do so with ease -- they can't wait for what's in store for them in 2011.

others struggle to let go and embrace tomorrow.

well, i belong to the latter.

in this new year, i am constantly reminded of recent happenings which pain the heart. indeed, it is a struggle for me to own up to the situation that now face me. i used to be bold, i used to be strong, but now i feel weak because i am longing to belong.

i gave my heart to someone, and there it remained, through good times and through bad times; through all the times.

tonight, i called you out. for no other reason than to catch a glimpse of you to fill the emptiness in my heart; i just missed you so much.

you declined, not much to my surprise; you didn't feel like going out. i'd understand.

but how distraught i was moments later, when i learnt that you will be going out later, even later than when i asked, with him. almost in an instant, you had the feel to go out. i guess that was the spur of the moment. or was planned in the first place? i don't know. i may never know.

when we went out, it was never this late. i understood the inconvenience it cause you and your family. we always rushed for early nights out. but with him, things are now different. i am a little saddened at the double standard.

still, who am i to say these things? i am just one in love with you.

Love,

is not only about the things you say to a person,

Love,

is not only about what you do for a person,

Love,

is not only about the love you make to a person,

Love,

is really about compassion and understanding, acceptance of another person's heart, and forebearing self emotions when letting out seems like the only reasonable thing to do. it's really about loving a person no matter what happens, no matter how hard and painful the situation may seem, and always wanting to be there for that person at every moment of the day. nothing is too difficult to forgive, when it is this LOVE that reigns in your heart.

indeed, it is this LOVE reigns in my heart. for you.

and tonight, it is trialled and tested.

gone deeper in love.

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