restrained

You came by today, much to my surprise.

Though it sank in that i still owed you the wedding pics and a CD, so it all figures.

Nevertheless, it is always delight to see you, much less be with you for some time. The moments passed was so sweet and lovely, it takes away all pain.

I tried my best to behave myself when you came by. I fought off the desire to hug you, glimpse at you longer than i should, and even to touch you on your shoulder -- all this while putting up a sincere smile that showed how happy i was with you around me.

I tried to look normal -- by every definition known. I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable around me. I'd hate for you to hate me.

When you were in my room and laid on my bed; you were just there. I wished that moment lasted forever. You looked so sweet and tranquil, like always, and everything was calm and soothing. The chilly rainy weather made it all that worth while.

When we got in the car, again, the desire to get close to you came into my heart. But i knew that would complicate things further, and I could not relent into my desires. Just a small squeeze of your hand, would have been really comforting...

And when we had dinner, it was surreal. I managed to hold onto myself for that long. I surprised myself. Though my very deepest desire is to treat you how you should be treated: with love and affection, every moment we're together.

I was never easy for me -- it still isn't. but i love you too much to hurt you again. I can only do so much when i'm with you -- to control myself. It's so difficult sometimes when the feelings are so strong inside.

It's awful because I feel restrained.