How are you coming along? It's been awhile i came by, hasn't it? I hope you hadn't felt neglected.
Sorry i took so long; i was tugging back and forth in my mind if i should continue to write in here. Because you see, it's not just you and me -- it's you, me and everyone else out there. And what i write about may affect others in various degrees. But then i thought to myself, i need to express myself some way other then screaming to the walls in my room -- i have to blog. Yet, they out there may choose to read or not. So yeah, i'm back, and sorry for the delay.
You know, today marks one week i've not been in contact with 2. Not even a whiff of 2's scent. That one week felt like years. That felt like forever. I'm still not sure if it was the right thing to do. It's never easy to miss someone and yet keep a distance; i missed 2 so much.
If people knew about this and what i did, i bet they'd laugh at me. I don't blame them -- i'm different. After all that's happened, i've learnt that simplicity gives you clarity.
Shit happened -- i get it. But i'm not your usually insane ex-boyfriend with a excessive compulsive nature bent on harassing and insulting him, the external one. I almost seldom asked or mentioned about him in conversations -- simply because he doesn't matter. And i didn't see any of 2's flaws throughout; only 2's feelings. I love 2 very much. 2 is always on my mind, everyday. I don't hate, and am certainly not willing to forgive 2, simply because i never once laid a blame on 2 about everything that's happened. The blame is all on me. And that's why i gave 2 space.
People would say i'm not thinking straight or that i'm a fool...
But how could i ever bring myself to hate the only person that i love so much?
I would never. It's just not humanly possible, at least for me.
You know, blogs like you are a comfort for people like me. People in shitty situations like me. Don't get me wrong, i like you, and you have improved my writing skills tremendously. I even blog more often too! And for that, i am quite glad.
Yet, there are some blogs out there that are viciously ferocious by nature, but it is unbeknown to them. I'm sure they -- like me -- adopt a 'i write what i want, you read what you want' policy, too. So yeah, i don't blame them. Just you know, i chanced upon 2's blog a few days ago, and what three simple lines that i saw scared the daylights out of me -- literally.
I was suddenly emo-ly afraid; my heart sunk, and my world went topsy turvy. I wish i could explain to myself why. Most unfortunately, i read it in the morning -- so i pretty much kissed the rest of that day goodbye. They say a 'pen is mightier than the sword', but i requote by saying, 'what the pen writes in a line, can crush an army of men within minutes.'
There were three lines.
recently we spend lots of time together, no matter i work or you work…we still meet up. i really appreciate the time that we had in cinema, restaurant, exercise, car, steamboat, etc… I think i know you better now, No! should say i sure i know u very WELL! XD
I thought about us before all this. I wished i could have been better at it. And I was afraid -- so many things ran through my mind. I tried to fight it, but it took control. I was emosified.
And like rubbing salt to the wound, i realized in has been a month since, from the place i least expected - 2's wall. That was the last straw that broke the camel's back for me; i could not take it anymore. I cried. And I was afraid i would lose control of my feelings, so i decided to keep away from 2's blog -- at least for now, or until i find the strength to. Feeling sad is one thing, but without anyone there to bring you back to you feet, now that's really pretty scary, all the time.
Luckily enough, i got invited to an event and had some meetings here and there over the last week. But don't be so quick to assume that it got the edge off me. Well, sure it did, to a certain extent. You'll see why soon. I hope to be posting up about them soon, but perhaps not here, but at your sister blog, okays? No hard feelings. : )
Anyway, i was at school for its 107th bday; where everything was a mess, of course. New principle, no order, and everyone SS doing their own things. The only consolation was old friends and familiar teachers. Had some smiles here and there -- but it didn't last long. How could i when all everyone said was, "Waah, Marcus, you lost weight ah?"
With my annoyance almost tipping boiling point, I almost wanted to reply, "Aiyah, no lar, i left my weight at home" ==!
Looks i really lost some weight. And i look haggard. Sigh.
And then there i was at the event near Changkat Bukit Bintang - Pecha Kucha. Yea, funny name right? Don't you laugh just yet, you never know how many people are laugh at the title of THIS blog. : )
Met some celebs and friends there. Not bad, to take the edge off feeling emo. Wish i could have 2 with me, i'd introduce 2 to so many of my friends people -- surely and proudly. I think 2 would have had fun, if 2 were there.
And that's yours truly with Daphne Iking, mega hostest and personality on TV.
ALMOST like a dream come true. But not yet. : )-
Still, during the event, i admit it was entertaining. Even then, i wish that 2 is the person i could share all this with.
But the smoke after the fire burned was what got to me. It was really as if during the event i was 'acting' up to be able to 'fit in to the crowd', but as soon as i left, and drove home alone, i wondered at what 2 may be doing... or if 2 had ever thought of me for a moment...
I feel that 2 and i have got our roles switched. I feel exactly like how 2 felt before this. A mild sense of neglect, a desperation for attention, and a deep missing feeling in the heart. And all i needed was a simple line from 2 and everything will be bright as sky... Like how 2 messaged me awhile ago, and my whole day was bright and preppy -- unlike the usual days.
Still, no matter what i do, the emptiness is there. 2 keeps appearing in my mind no matter what it is i am doing at the moment. Then i realize the void will never be sealed until the right fitting stone falls into the crack. I continue to patiently wait for that day. It's never easy to miss someone and yet keep a distance; i missed 2 so much.
Sometimes i think, when i meet people with this burden in my heart, i am never really meeting them, do you understand? It really more like lip-servicing with them, throwing in casual giggles just to be polite, even when they're not funny, or rather annoying trying to be funny. I never fully enjoy what i do now because i feel incomplete. Or something to that effect.
2 had given me something no one else can. hope.
When some people change (for better or worse), they do it for another person. But here i say, I have changed: not for the person, but because of that person and how that person influences my life...
I have had dreams: i was afraid to chase them.
I have had visions: i was afraid to realize them.
I have had goals: i was afraid they were unattainable.
I have lived a complacent life for too long. Far too long. And that is my only regret.
Yet, one person has made me overcome all that in recent times. I feel the change within me that also makes me wonder, how am i able to do all this? Nevertheless, i am grateful.
I feel i will have to continue blogging for that seems to be the only sanity i can make sense off in this world filled with insanity. I just hope that your continued presence in the blogsphere will not cause more harm than good.
Hopefully. *fingers crossed*
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I understand you must be in a dilemma now. I just hope you follow your heart. I would hate to see you living in guilt; torn between two. Please know this: i have never, and will never blame you for what's happened and is still happening. I admit and accept that i fell short on my part, which caused the trickle effect that lead to this mess. If it's any consolation, you needn't have to worry about coming back to me, because i will always be waiting for you -- i look into your eyes faultlessly and i want you sincerely. I never looked in the past because i know with you in my life, i want to spend my future making it worth while for us.
For you, it is worth the wait.
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Ill miss you bloggie.
Please FIND the meaning.
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