The whole of last week was a nothing short of a mess. I didn't like one bit of it but i'm forced to go through it. I had no choice. But i think i just wana pen down the good times before the catastrophic week.
Dinner arrangements were made. Everything was set. And to my pleasant surprise, your dad spent me dinner instead. : )
I will never forget that moment, when you came to open the gate, the way our eyes met, and how we exchanged a shy "hiee" to each other. So simple yet so fulfilling and real... like when we first met. It is true they say, that absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Oh how i missed that moment.
I felt abit shame in your house because at first i didn't know how to react. I hadn't seen you in a week and naturally, i didn't know where to begin. But i'm glad things worked happened they way they did.
Even in the car, i am quite surprised that you found out so much about what i've done. I hope it didn't leave a bad taste in your mouth.
And as much as i enjoyed dinner, i just couldn't help but notice that you were somewhat distracted by unfinished work at home. Even your mother told me she realized that. I was worried for you.
That's why nothing else mattered except to take care of you at home that night. To make sure you were comfortable and had everything you needed to get your work done. I miss being by yourside, giving you a back rub when you feel tired, caressing your hair while you worked, and even sponge wipe your face to keep you fresh... that night i felt like i want to take care of your for the rest of my life. And i want to because i can.
I'm glad i could provide you with most of everything you needed that night; it was really unforgettable. I really want to do things like this with you when we get to live together, sometime in the future...
Life has never been the same without you. It has changed somewhat, brought out some newness in me -- but no matter what i do in life, there is always a void in my heart that tells me i'm missing something. Someone.
I want to make things happen for you.
I want to protect you in times of trouble.
I want to make you feel better all the time.
I want to be there for you.
But i guess it is not now. And so i will have to endure...
>
i really miss you
>
the wait.
Read more : )
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
that delivery
Just as i posted to my blog yesterday, i found the courage to read your blog again.
Something inside of me made me wanna do it. And so i did. One click, and i was there.
Cautiously, i read on, hoping not to lose control of my emotions. I held it in.
With every line i read, my heart grew heavier. Not because of my feelings, but because of reading what you are going through at the moment. We've not been in contact for almost one week, and that to me, is a heck of a long time.
I was concerned when i read about your life this past one week. I knew you had some minor adjustments to do in your new job, but i never quite expected you to be so hard-pressed for time, that you don't have time for yourself. And when you're stressed up and feel like exploding, you didn't have anyone to comfort and support you.
Reading that just broke my heart.
I want to be there for you. I need you to know that everything will be okaay, and i will be with you, through high and low moments. I want nothing else in this life than to just be your man.
When i heard about your company dinner and the birthday celebration, i prayed that you wouldn't get lost way and be safe all the way. And if you'd met up with him, that you'll reach home safe and sound.
Knowing that you'll be rushing on Saturday morning made me worry about you. Still, in the current situation i am in with you, i know i can't do much for you but i still wanted to do what i could.
Hence, the delivery. i've not had such an adrenaline rush to do anything for anyone like that before. I really wanted to make it there before you, drop off and leave, so things won't feel awkward between us. I's really hoped you'd think it's from him, or someone else, but not from me.
And I just thought you'd be hungry.
I'm quite pleased that things worked out the way they did. Like i said before, so much has happened in merely just in a days and they have opened my eyes to what potential of a person, i can really be -- for you.
I truly believe everyone has the power within them to change for what they believe in -- and for love. And changes like these only serve to make a person better and better then he/she every was.
If you have time, FIND the meaning here.
>
>
I love you more than you could ever imagine... I hope to put away the pass and share my future together with you... It's unfortunate that it took me afew wake up calls to make me realize that i had something so precious in my life... I promise to never break your heart... ever.
>
>
Regardless, I'm just glad and grateful that i made...
that delivery.
Read more : )
Something inside of me made me wanna do it. And so i did. One click, and i was there.
Cautiously, i read on, hoping not to lose control of my emotions. I held it in.
With every line i read, my heart grew heavier. Not because of my feelings, but because of reading what you are going through at the moment. We've not been in contact for almost one week, and that to me, is a heck of a long time.
I was concerned when i read about your life this past one week. I knew you had some minor adjustments to do in your new job, but i never quite expected you to be so hard-pressed for time, that you don't have time for yourself. And when you're stressed up and feel like exploding, you didn't have anyone to comfort and support you.
Reading that just broke my heart.
I want to be there for you. I need you to know that everything will be okaay, and i will be with you, through high and low moments. I want nothing else in this life than to just be your man.
When i heard about your company dinner and the birthday celebration, i prayed that you wouldn't get lost way and be safe all the way. And if you'd met up with him, that you'll reach home safe and sound.
Knowing that you'll be rushing on Saturday morning made me worry about you. Still, in the current situation i am in with you, i know i can't do much for you but i still wanted to do what i could.
Hence, the delivery. i've not had such an adrenaline rush to do anything for anyone like that before. I really wanted to make it there before you, drop off and leave, so things won't feel awkward between us. I's really hoped you'd think it's from him, or someone else, but not from me.
And I just thought you'd be hungry.
I'm quite pleased that things worked out the way they did. Like i said before, so much has happened in merely just in a days and they have opened my eyes to what potential of a person, i can really be -- for you.
I truly believe everyone has the power within them to change for what they believe in -- and for love. And changes like these only serve to make a person better and better then he/she every was.
If you have time, FIND the meaning here.
>
>
I love you more than you could ever imagine... I hope to put away the pass and share my future together with you... It's unfortunate that it took me afew wake up calls to make me realize that i had something so precious in my life... I promise to never break your heart... ever.
>
>
Regardless, I'm just glad and grateful that i made...
that delivery.
Read more : )
Friday, January 21, 2011
FIND the meaning
Dear blog,
How are you coming along? It's been awhile i came by, hasn't it? I hope you hadn't felt neglected.
Sorry i took so long; i was tugging back and forth in my mind if i should continue to write in here. Because you see, it's not just you and me -- it's you, me and everyone else out there. And what i write about may affect others in various degrees. But then i thought to myself, i need to express myself some way other then screaming to the walls in my room -- i have to blog. Yet, they out there may choose to read or not. So yeah, i'm back, and sorry for the delay.
You know, today marks one week i've not been in contact with 2. Not even a whiff of 2's scent. That one week felt like years. That felt like forever. I'm still not sure if it was the right thing to do. It's never easy to miss someone and yet keep a distance; i missed 2 so much.
If people knew about this and what i did, i bet they'd laugh at me. I don't blame them -- i'm different. After all that's happened, i've learnt that simplicity gives you clarity.
Shit happened -- i get it. But i'm not your usually insane ex-boyfriend with a excessive compulsive nature bent on harassing and insulting him, the external one. I almost seldom asked or mentioned about him in conversations -- simply because he doesn't matter. And i didn't see any of 2's flaws throughout; only 2's feelings. I love 2 very much. 2 is always on my mind, everyday. I don't hate, and am certainly not willing to forgive 2, simply because i never once laid a blame on 2 about everything that's happened. The blame is all on me. And that's why i gave 2 space.
People would say i'm not thinking straight or that i'm a fool...
But how could i ever bring myself to hate the only person that i love so much?
I would never. It's just not humanly possible, at least for me.
You know, blogs like you are a comfort for people like me. People in shitty situations like me. Don't get me wrong, i like you, and you have improved my writing skills tremendously. I even blog more often too! And for that, i am quite glad.
Yet, there are some blogs out there that are viciously ferocious by nature, but it is unbeknown to them. I'm sure they -- like me -- adopt a 'i write what i want, you read what you want' policy, too. So yeah, i don't blame them. Just you know, i chanced upon 2's blog a few days ago, and what three simple lines that i saw scared the daylights out of me -- literally.
I was suddenly emo-ly afraid; my heart sunk, and my world went topsy turvy. I wish i could explain to myself why. Most unfortunately, i read it in the morning -- so i pretty much kissed the rest of that day goodbye. They say a 'pen is mightier than the sword', but i requote by saying, 'what the pen writes in a line, can crush an army of men within minutes.'
There were three lines.
recently we spend lots of time together, no matter i work or you work…we still meet up. i really appreciate the time that we had in cinema, restaurant, exercise, car, steamboat, etc… I think i know you better now, No! should say i sure i know u very WELL! XD
I thought about us before all this. I wished i could have been better at it. And I was afraid -- so many things ran through my mind. I tried to fight it, but it took control. I was emosified.
And like rubbing salt to the wound, i realized in has been a month since, from the place i least expected - 2's wall. That was the last straw that broke the camel's back for me; i could not take it anymore. I cried. And I was afraid i would lose control of my feelings, so i decided to keep away from 2's blog -- at least for now, or until i find the strength to. Feeling sad is one thing, but without anyone there to bring you back to you feet, now that's really pretty scary, all the time.
Luckily enough, i got invited to an event and had some meetings here and there over the last week. But don't be so quick to assume that it got the edge off me. Well, sure it did, to a certain extent. You'll see why soon. I hope to be posting up about them soon, but perhaps not here, but at your sister blog, okays? No hard feelings. : )
Anyway, i was at school for its 107th bday; where everything was a mess, of course. New principle, no order, and everyone SS doing their own things. The only consolation was old friends and familiar teachers. Had some smiles here and there -- but it didn't last long. How could i when all everyone said was, "Waah, Marcus, you lost weight ah?"
With my annoyance almost tipping boiling point, I almost wanted to reply, "Aiyah, no lar, i left my weight at home" ==!
Looks i really lost some weight. And i look haggard. Sigh.
And then there i was at the event near Changkat Bukit Bintang - Pecha Kucha. Yea, funny name right? Don't you laugh just yet, you never know how many people are laugh at the title of THIS blog. : )
Met some celebs and friends there. Not bad, to take the edge off feeling emo. Wish i could have 2 with me, i'd introduce 2 to so many of my friends people -- surely and proudly. I think 2 would have had fun, if 2 were there.
And that's yours truly with Daphne Iking, mega hostest and personality on TV.
ALMOST like a dream come true. But not yet. : )-
Still, during the event, i admit it was entertaining. Even then, i wish that 2 is the person i could share all this with.
But the smoke after the fire burned was what got to me. It was really as if during the event i was 'acting' up to be able to 'fit in to the crowd', but as soon as i left, and drove home alone, i wondered at what 2 may be doing... or if 2 had ever thought of me for a moment...
I feel that 2 and i have got our roles switched. I feel exactly like how 2 felt before this. A mild sense of neglect, a desperation for attention, and a deep missing feeling in the heart. And all i needed was a simple line from 2 and everything will be bright as sky... Like how 2 messaged me awhile ago, and my whole day was bright and preppy -- unlike the usual days.
Still, no matter what i do, the emptiness is there. 2 keeps appearing in my mind no matter what it is i am doing at the moment. Then i realize the void will never be sealed until the right fitting stone falls into the crack. I continue to patiently wait for that day. It's never easy to miss someone and yet keep a distance; i missed 2 so much.
Sometimes i think, when i meet people with this burden in my heart, i am never really meeting them, do you understand? It really more like lip-servicing with them, throwing in casual giggles just to be polite, even when they're not funny, or rather annoying trying to be funny. I never fully enjoy what i do now because i feel incomplete. Or something to that effect.
2 had given me something no one else can. hope.
When some people change (for better or worse), they do it for another person. But here i say, I have changed: not for the person, but because of that person and how that person influences my life...
I have had dreams: i was afraid to chase them.
I have had visions: i was afraid to realize them.
I have had goals: i was afraid they were unattainable.
I have lived a complacent life for too long. Far too long. And that is my only regret.
Yet, one person has made me overcome all that in recent times. I feel the change within me that also makes me wonder, how am i able to do all this? Nevertheless, i am grateful.
I feel i will have to continue blogging for that seems to be the only sanity i can make sense off in this world filled with insanity. I just hope that your continued presence in the blogsphere will not cause more harm than good.
Hopefully. *fingers crossed*
>
>
>
I understand you must be in a dilemma now. I just hope you follow your heart. I would hate to see you living in guilt; torn between two. Please know this: i have never, and will never blame you for what's happened and is still happening. I admit and accept that i fell short on my part, which caused the trickle effect that lead to this mess. If it's any consolation, you needn't have to worry about coming back to me, because i will always be waiting for you -- i look into your eyes faultlessly and i want you sincerely. I never looked in the past because i know with you in my life, i want to spend my future making it worth while for us.
For you, it is worth the wait.
>
>
>
Ill miss you bloggie.
Please FIND the meaning.
Read more : )
How are you coming along? It's been awhile i came by, hasn't it? I hope you hadn't felt neglected.
Sorry i took so long; i was tugging back and forth in my mind if i should continue to write in here. Because you see, it's not just you and me -- it's you, me and everyone else out there. And what i write about may affect others in various degrees. But then i thought to myself, i need to express myself some way other then screaming to the walls in my room -- i have to blog. Yet, they out there may choose to read or not. So yeah, i'm back, and sorry for the delay.
You know, today marks one week i've not been in contact with 2. Not even a whiff of 2's scent. That one week felt like years. That felt like forever. I'm still not sure if it was the right thing to do. It's never easy to miss someone and yet keep a distance; i missed 2 so much.
If people knew about this and what i did, i bet they'd laugh at me. I don't blame them -- i'm different. After all that's happened, i've learnt that simplicity gives you clarity.
Shit happened -- i get it. But i'm not your usually insane ex-boyfriend with a excessive compulsive nature bent on harassing and insulting him, the external one. I almost seldom asked or mentioned about him in conversations -- simply because he doesn't matter. And i didn't see any of 2's flaws throughout; only 2's feelings. I love 2 very much. 2 is always on my mind, everyday. I don't hate, and am certainly not willing to forgive 2, simply because i never once laid a blame on 2 about everything that's happened. The blame is all on me. And that's why i gave 2 space.
People would say i'm not thinking straight or that i'm a fool...
But how could i ever bring myself to hate the only person that i love so much?
I would never. It's just not humanly possible, at least for me.
You know, blogs like you are a comfort for people like me. People in shitty situations like me. Don't get me wrong, i like you, and you have improved my writing skills tremendously. I even blog more often too! And for that, i am quite glad.
Yet, there are some blogs out there that are viciously ferocious by nature, but it is unbeknown to them. I'm sure they -- like me -- adopt a 'i write what i want, you read what you want' policy, too. So yeah, i don't blame them. Just you know, i chanced upon 2's blog a few days ago, and what three simple lines that i saw scared the daylights out of me -- literally.
I was suddenly emo-ly afraid; my heart sunk, and my world went topsy turvy. I wish i could explain to myself why. Most unfortunately, i read it in the morning -- so i pretty much kissed the rest of that day goodbye. They say a 'pen is mightier than the sword', but i requote by saying, 'what the pen writes in a line, can crush an army of men within minutes.'
There were three lines.
recently we spend lots of time together, no matter i work or you work…we still meet up. i really appreciate the time that we had in cinema, restaurant, exercise, car, steamboat, etc… I think i know you better now, No! should say i sure i know u very WELL! XD
I thought about us before all this. I wished i could have been better at it. And I was afraid -- so many things ran through my mind. I tried to fight it, but it took control. I was emosified.
And like rubbing salt to the wound, i realized in has been a month since, from the place i least expected - 2's wall. That was the last straw that broke the camel's back for me; i could not take it anymore. I cried. And I was afraid i would lose control of my feelings, so i decided to keep away from 2's blog -- at least for now, or until i find the strength to. Feeling sad is one thing, but without anyone there to bring you back to you feet, now that's really pretty scary, all the time.
Luckily enough, i got invited to an event and had some meetings here and there over the last week. But don't be so quick to assume that it got the edge off me. Well, sure it did, to a certain extent. You'll see why soon. I hope to be posting up about them soon, but perhaps not here, but at your sister blog, okays? No hard feelings. : )
Anyway, i was at school for its 107th bday; where everything was a mess, of course. New principle, no order, and everyone SS doing their own things. The only consolation was old friends and familiar teachers. Had some smiles here and there -- but it didn't last long. How could i when all everyone said was, "Waah, Marcus, you lost weight ah?"
With my annoyance almost tipping boiling point, I almost wanted to reply, "Aiyah, no lar, i left my weight at home" ==!
Looks i really lost some weight. And i look haggard. Sigh.
And then there i was at the event near Changkat Bukit Bintang - Pecha Kucha. Yea, funny name right? Don't you laugh just yet, you never know how many people are laugh at the title of THIS blog. : )
Met some celebs and friends there. Not bad, to take the edge off feeling emo. Wish i could have 2 with me, i'd introduce 2 to so many of my friends people -- surely and proudly. I think 2 would have had fun, if 2 were there.
And that's yours truly with Daphne Iking, mega hostest and personality on TV.
ALMOST like a dream come true. But not yet. : )-
Still, during the event, i admit it was entertaining. Even then, i wish that 2 is the person i could share all this with.
But the smoke after the fire burned was what got to me. It was really as if during the event i was 'acting' up to be able to 'fit in to the crowd', but as soon as i left, and drove home alone, i wondered at what 2 may be doing... or if 2 had ever thought of me for a moment...
I feel that 2 and i have got our roles switched. I feel exactly like how 2 felt before this. A mild sense of neglect, a desperation for attention, and a deep missing feeling in the heart. And all i needed was a simple line from 2 and everything will be bright as sky... Like how 2 messaged me awhile ago, and my whole day was bright and preppy -- unlike the usual days.
Still, no matter what i do, the emptiness is there. 2 keeps appearing in my mind no matter what it is i am doing at the moment. Then i realize the void will never be sealed until the right fitting stone falls into the crack. I continue to patiently wait for that day. It's never easy to miss someone and yet keep a distance; i missed 2 so much.
Sometimes i think, when i meet people with this burden in my heart, i am never really meeting them, do you understand? It really more like lip-servicing with them, throwing in casual giggles just to be polite, even when they're not funny, or rather annoying trying to be funny. I never fully enjoy what i do now because i feel incomplete. Or something to that effect.
2 had given me something no one else can. hope.
When some people change (for better or worse), they do it for another person. But here i say, I have changed: not for the person, but because of that person and how that person influences my life...
I have had dreams: i was afraid to chase them.
I have had visions: i was afraid to realize them.
I have had goals: i was afraid they were unattainable.
I have lived a complacent life for too long. Far too long. And that is my only regret.
Yet, one person has made me overcome all that in recent times. I feel the change within me that also makes me wonder, how am i able to do all this? Nevertheless, i am grateful.
I feel i will have to continue blogging for that seems to be the only sanity i can make sense off in this world filled with insanity. I just hope that your continued presence in the blogsphere will not cause more harm than good.
Hopefully. *fingers crossed*
>
>
>
I understand you must be in a dilemma now. I just hope you follow your heart. I would hate to see you living in guilt; torn between two. Please know this: i have never, and will never blame you for what's happened and is still happening. I admit and accept that i fell short on my part, which caused the trickle effect that lead to this mess. If it's any consolation, you needn't have to worry about coming back to me, because i will always be waiting for you -- i look into your eyes faultlessly and i want you sincerely. I never looked in the past because i know with you in my life, i want to spend my future making it worth while for us.
For you, it is worth the wait.
>
>
>
Ill miss you bloggie.
Please FIND the meaning.
Read more : )
Friday, January 14, 2011
mistake
i made a mistake.
i am still making mistakes.
and i am continuing to pay the price.
will it ever end? i hopefully hope so.
I duno what to do but face blogger and write about my feelings.
( i never intended for people to read and feel bad. me writing is like an angry person smashing his fist against the wall or trashing everything in his room. that's how the cope; how they let out. writing things down seems like the most sane thing to do atm. though im a little angry, writing sure beats me smashing my wall.)
I didn't want to see you tonight. I didn't want to lose myself again and get hurt. My defenses goes down when you are with me. I am defenseless -- even against myself; especially against my own feelings. But seeing you is always a joy, even for a little while. When i am with you, i feel complete. When i leave you, i feel like there's a missing piece in my heart, without which, i cease to function properly.
I want to write more, but i think i should practice self control. May be some other nights. i should just go to sleep.
But tonight, i was blinded by love, not to realize that it was a...
mistake.
Read more : )
i am still making mistakes.
and i am continuing to pay the price.
will it ever end? i hopefully hope so.
I duno what to do but face blogger and write about my feelings.
( i never intended for people to read and feel bad. me writing is like an angry person smashing his fist against the wall or trashing everything in his room. that's how the cope; how they let out. writing things down seems like the most sane thing to do atm. though im a little angry, writing sure beats me smashing my wall.)
I didn't want to see you tonight. I didn't want to lose myself again and get hurt. My defenses goes down when you are with me. I am defenseless -- even against myself; especially against my own feelings. But seeing you is always a joy, even for a little while. When i am with you, i feel complete. When i leave you, i feel like there's a missing piece in my heart, without which, i cease to function properly.
I want to write more, but i think i should practice self control. May be some other nights. i should just go to sleep.
But tonight, i was blinded by love, not to realize that it was a...
mistake.
Read more : )
Thursday, January 13, 2011
only reminds me of you
Only Reminds Me of You
by Christian Bautista
I see you, beside me
It’s only a dream
A vision of what used to be
The laughter, the sorrow
Pictures in time
Fading to memory
How could I ever let you go
Is it too late to let you know
[Chorus]
I tried to run from your side
But each place I hide
It only reminds me of you
When I turn out all the lights
Even the night
It only reminds me of you
I needed my freedom
That's what I’ve thought
But I was a fool to believe
My heart lied while you cry
Rivers of tears
But I was too blind to see
Everything we've been through before
Now it means so much more
[Repeat Chorus]
Only you
Please come back to me
I’m down on my knees
Girl can't you see
How could I ever let you go
Is it too late to let you know
I tried to run from your side
But each place I hide
It only reminds me of you
When I turn out all the lights
Even the night
It only reminds me of you
by Christian Bautista
I see you, beside me
It’s only a dream
A vision of what used to be
The laughter, the sorrow
Pictures in time
Fading to memory
How could I ever let you go
Is it too late to let you know
[Chorus]
I tried to run from your side
But each place I hide
It only reminds me of you
When I turn out all the lights
Even the night
It only reminds me of you
I needed my freedom
That's what I’ve thought
But I was a fool to believe
My heart lied while you cry
Rivers of tears
But I was too blind to see
Everything we've been through before
Now it means so much more
[Repeat Chorus]
Only you
Please come back to me
I’m down on my knees
Girl can't you see
How could I ever let you go
Is it too late to let you know
I tried to run from your side
But each place I hide
It only reminds me of you
When I turn out all the lights
Even the night
It only reminds me of you
Read more : )
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
110111
This is my entry from Golden Sands Hotel, Penang.
Tonight was a celebration for many at their company's annual dinner. I was working at that annual dinner. Bummer.
I don't complain much about work -- well, at least i do my best not to. Don't get me wrong, i'm good at what i do, and i love it. Sometimes things out of work gets in the way of my performance.
I miss you. I really do. When i got here, i realized how far i was from you; i missed you.
I had a room to myself at first. The silence of being alone in such a lavish room can be deafening. My emotions were almost uncontrolable.
All through the day, i thought of you and how your are coping at work. I worried if i had messaged you too much, you'd be distracted. So i just kept hoping taht you'll be alright on your first day...
I got your mesage when the dinner started. Yet, i defied all odds and replied you as fast as i could -- another personal acheivement in 2011, i'd like to think so. While juggling event coordination and thinking of you, i managed to squeeze through a few more messages to reassure you from feeling down... i'm glad i'm a changed person.
But when all was over, almost everyone in my team went on for hard drinks, to which i excused myself back to the room. This time, with no one to hang out or even supper with, the silence in the room was maddening. My heart was so heavy and i just stood there on the bed... staring into space...
I'm lucky that there was "Sean the Sheep" on Disney Channel to keep my company. Just sit there blur blur watch for about 20mins, before my colleague came back.
Well, that was my night on 110111. I wished i could have done more for you and for myself on that auspicious night. I wanted to call, but i'm sure you were sleeping for work the next day.
I only pray that you'll get used to the new working environment, and as hard as it may be at first, know that all things will fit in place. You were born to do this - or at least something like this. You have got what it takes... so never doubt yourself k!
110111
Read more : )
Tonight was a celebration for many at their company's annual dinner. I was working at that annual dinner. Bummer.
I don't complain much about work -- well, at least i do my best not to. Don't get me wrong, i'm good at what i do, and i love it. Sometimes things out of work gets in the way of my performance.
I miss you. I really do. When i got here, i realized how far i was from you; i missed you.
I had a room to myself at first. The silence of being alone in such a lavish room can be deafening. My emotions were almost uncontrolable.
All through the day, i thought of you and how your are coping at work. I worried if i had messaged you too much, you'd be distracted. So i just kept hoping taht you'll be alright on your first day...
I got your mesage when the dinner started. Yet, i defied all odds and replied you as fast as i could -- another personal acheivement in 2011, i'd like to think so. While juggling event coordination and thinking of you, i managed to squeeze through a few more messages to reassure you from feeling down... i'm glad i'm a changed person.
But when all was over, almost everyone in my team went on for hard drinks, to which i excused myself back to the room. This time, with no one to hang out or even supper with, the silence in the room was maddening. My heart was so heavy and i just stood there on the bed... staring into space...
I'm lucky that there was "Sean the Sheep" on Disney Channel to keep my company. Just sit there blur blur watch for about 20mins, before my colleague came back.
Well, that was my night on 110111. I wished i could have done more for you and for myself on that auspicious night. I wanted to call, but i'm sure you were sleeping for work the next day.
I only pray that you'll get used to the new working environment, and as hard as it may be at first, know that all things will fit in place. You were born to do this - or at least something like this. You have got what it takes... so never doubt yourself k!
110111
Read more : )
Monday, January 10, 2011
my medicine
I want to believe that you can distract yourself with work when you are burdened with matters of the heart. I really do.
But it is virtually impossible.
Today, i made my first accomplishment in 2011 -- i took the driver's seat all the way from KL to Penang; and made it in under 4.5 hours too!
All the way i wasn't sleepy at all -- i always slept through my journeys up North, but not this time. I guess i had something on my mind. And that kept me going.
My boss sat next to me; i never dared to check my phone when several SMSes came in, yet i was dying to know if it was you.
And when i got to the hotel, things got so frantic that i almost wanted to run away from it all -- into your open arms. Imagine, drive whole day, no dinner, upon arrival, straight away rushed to unpack stuff for clients already waiting.
In all this, my heart was never there. I gave it to someone. And it's very difficult to do anything knowing your heart is far away...
I ran to a corner to call you. I wanted to cheer you up before the big day tomorrow. I wanted to ease your anxiety. But all i seem to do is rub you the wrong way -- because i just couldn't control my emotions for you.
Im sorry, please forgive me.
One of the AV crew came to me, and instantly knew i was in a "matter-of-the-heart" dilemma. He only made it clearer that it is virtually impossible to get anything done when your heart's heavy, deep down inside. He knows, because he's been through it.
He said i had to get over it by tonight for if not by tomorrow i am stressed with work, i may just break down and things may get nasty. I couldn't agree more. So many things around me now remind me of you. Theres just too much of you in me.
I felt rage. I felt unrest. I felt like i just needed so scream or hit something -- or someone!
I felt at my lowest low. Even more after the phone call that seemed to make things worse.
Miserable state indeed, and desperate too. I was so tempted to SMS c. too... T_T
But then while supper, i got an unexpected call -- it was from someone i truly love.
Hearing your voice, it was an instant cure for my heartsickness.
Knowing you cared made all the difference.
You are my medicine.
Read more : )
But it is virtually impossible.
Today, i made my first accomplishment in 2011 -- i took the driver's seat all the way from KL to Penang; and made it in under 4.5 hours too!
All the way i wasn't sleepy at all -- i always slept through my journeys up North, but not this time. I guess i had something on my mind. And that kept me going.
My boss sat next to me; i never dared to check my phone when several SMSes came in, yet i was dying to know if it was you.
And when i got to the hotel, things got so frantic that i almost wanted to run away from it all -- into your open arms. Imagine, drive whole day, no dinner, upon arrival, straight away rushed to unpack stuff for clients already waiting.
In all this, my heart was never there. I gave it to someone. And it's very difficult to do anything knowing your heart is far away...
I ran to a corner to call you. I wanted to cheer you up before the big day tomorrow. I wanted to ease your anxiety. But all i seem to do is rub you the wrong way -- because i just couldn't control my emotions for you.
Im sorry, please forgive me.
One of the AV crew came to me, and instantly knew i was in a "matter-of-the-heart" dilemma. He only made it clearer that it is virtually impossible to get anything done when your heart's heavy, deep down inside. He knows, because he's been through it.
He said i had to get over it by tonight for if not by tomorrow i am stressed with work, i may just break down and things may get nasty. I couldn't agree more. So many things around me now remind me of you. Theres just too much of you in me.
I felt rage. I felt unrest. I felt like i just needed so scream or hit something -- or someone!
I felt at my lowest low. Even more after the phone call that seemed to make things worse.
Miserable state indeed, and desperate too. I was so tempted to SMS c. too... T_T
But then while supper, i got an unexpected call -- it was from someone i truly love.
Hearing your voice, it was an instant cure for my heartsickness.
Knowing you cared made all the difference.
You are my medicine.
Read more : )
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